Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Deciding to trust

Today I decided to take a decision. I decided that despite the insecurity and lack of certainty about the future I would not continue to go against my nature. I decided to stop working for youth protection as of this morning.

It's a decision I don't regret. I have learnt a lot. I appreciate the work of those who are made to work in this type of environment and am at peace with the fact that I am not one of those people.

Since 10 am this morning I have three interviews lined up (and a sweepstake letter in the mail!!) a sure sign to me that I made the right decision. Today I have decided to trust life and to stop worrying so much about the future. This is my life and in 2012 I am going to invest my energy in things that bring me energy not things that drain me of vitality. I am convinced that I have much to contribute in this world and that trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole is useless. I would rather celebrate my uniqueness and find a way to earn a living where my natural talents will be useful.

Trust is not an easy path. It's scary and uncertain and vulnerable. But what a great feeling to be at peace, to live my life in line with who I am. I don't regret the time I have been with youth protection it has taught me the value of being honest with myself even when it is scary.

I am sitting here excited about what the future will bring, sad that a chapter of my life is over but grateful for all the people in my life that have allowed me to move beyond a spirit of lack into one of abundance.    

I decided to take a trip to the north pole and have discovered that I don't like the cold. I don't regret the experience but I won't continue trying to convince myself that I am a polar bear when clearly I am not. There is a part of me that wanted to stay and prove myself but in the end what would I prove? That I can force myself to work in a way I don't enjoy?

No matter what life brings me now I made a decision based not on rational thought (who would rationally quit a government job with no job lined up??)  but on a mix of reason and emotion that I am starting to trust more and more. It's a great feeling to be able to say No. To clearly say that something is not working for me.

It's a scary place I am in now but it's absolutely wonderful.

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